Homer: Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that... building... thingy... where our beds and TV... are.
Homer: Operator! Give me the number for 911!
Homer talking about the past...
When I was seventeen
I drank some very good beer
I drank some very good beer I purchased with a fake ID
My name was Brian McGee
I stayed up listening to Queen
When I was seventeen"
Homer explained that he never passed Science 101
Marge : "But, Homer! You're a nuclear technician."
Homer : "Marge! IcksNay on the UclearNay EchnicianTay."
Marge : "What did you say?"
Homer : "I don't know. I flunked Latin, too."
Homer: (Offering Lisa a donught.) Donught?
Lisa: Uh... got any fruit?
Homer: This one has purple in it. Purple's a fruit.
Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh, ooh, yeah... right, Lisa. A wonderful... magical animal.
Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
Homer: Oh, now who's being naive?
Mr. Burns (Playing golf with Homer): Use an open-faced club! A sand wedge!
Homer: Mmmmm... open-faced club sandwich.,/P>
Homer: (Singing) I'm so smart! I'm so smart! S-M-R-T! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T!
Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here?
Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
Homer: Umm... revenge?
Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here. (step step step step... slam)
Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal!
Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner!
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture?
Homer: Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! (drinks beer)
Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!
Homer: Awww... 20 dollars!? I wanted a peanut.
Homer's brain: 20 dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how.
Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services!
Homer: WOO HOO
Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.
Homer: What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here, anyway.
Homer: Rock stars... is there anything they don't know?
Homer: If something goes wrong, blame the guy who can't speak English.
Homer (praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever... thy will be done (eats cookies).
Homer: If there's one thing I've learned, it's that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart + Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.
Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get.
Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: Ooh, that's bad.
Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frogurt!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate...
Homer:...................
Old man: That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?